The Carter Cartel: Malik Carter by Renee K

Author:Renee, K.
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2024-04-14T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 7

Bria

I’ve been sitting here for the past few hours trying to push myself to go see my therapist today. It’s been a heavy day and I feel like I need her right now. The day I called Malik it was something in his voice that’s changed and even though I’ve caused all of this, hearing that change pained the hell out of me. I’ve fought month after month to survive for the last couple of years. Emotionally, I’ve checked out and every day has been a battle. I’m still trying to find solace. I’m still learning to cope daily with losing her. The only reason that I’m still breathing is because I don’t believe in suicide. I pray every day that God keeps his eyes on me. Because I truly need him. I’ve been at my lowest point, but for the last eight months, I’ve been slowly coming around.

I know some may not understand why I moved the way I did with Malik. For years I blamed him for the death of our daughter, and with extensive therapy I realized that it wasn’t his fault. I realized that we were playing, and we were both being careless considering he was driving. The accident was just as much my fault as it was his, and some part of me has always known it was an accident, but it was easier to blame Malik for a loss I couldn’t cope with. I’ve wanted to be a mother, I wanted to experience all of the things that a mother experiences when giving birth, I wanted to hold my baby for the first time, I wanted to watch her grow, and I wanted to witness her say her first words. I wanted all those things and I wanted to share them with Malik.

I wanted to go through my labor, a happy one not one that forces you to deliver your deceased daughter’s remains. If you haven’t gone through this, you wouldn’t understand that pain and something inside of me died. I cry day in and day out for my baby girl, I cry for the family that I was so happy to have with Malik. I take nothing from him, he gave me everything and treated me as a man should treat his woman. I couldn’t have asked for a better man. God showed out when he created him, and the reason I’ve been trying to stay connected with him is because I’ve been fighting so hard to get back to him. Every phone call that I’ve made to him was to say I want you in my life, I love you, and I think we should try again. Every time I picked up the phone that was the reason for the call and when he answered, I couldn’t say it.

I know it was fucked up to string him along and have sex with him and then leave. I still needed him in that way, I didn’t want to share my bed with another man.

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